Humor

You all might have heard the Russel Peters joke where he threatens to call the child services and his dad gets better of him. Well, I have my version of it. This happened when I was 11 years old. I heard a friend describe how she gets her mom to do whatever she wants. She said she would huff and puff and refuse to eat dinner and go and sit in her room. The mom usually came to her room with a plate of food in a little while and coaxed her to eat while agreeing to all her demands. I being the 'Smart' one decided to give it a try. After all it wouldn't hurt - or so I thought. I waited for an opportunity where my parents disagreed with something I wanted. I told my sister we would get what we wanted if she just acted along. At 9 pm, we huffed and puffed and we announced that we will not ...

*May contain offensive content She: It is huge. He : I know its big.. But I want you to take it. I know that you will manage fine. She: But its too big... He: ha ha.. size always matters baby.. bigger, the better... Just take it.. She: Are you sure I can..?? He: Don't worry.. I am there and will be there if you don't like it. Now don't argue, don't think and just take it please.. She : Ok.. If you say so.. __________________________________________________________ He: So.. How is it ? She : You were right.. Bigger the better... He : Told you so... She: Oh.. I am in love with it.. This is just so amazing... Don't know what you were thinking but She now owns a Samsung Galaxy Note..

Do you remember how close you were holding me when we entered the house together for the first time? It took me a while in the hall before I could move to your bedroom. You were so loving and caring that you even took care of my cleanliness and hygiene for me. I have no idea what happened to change this way of lifestyle. I was thrown out of your room and into your kitchen. You threw rotten eggs, tomatoes and everything else at me. I bore it all with silence. Is it my fault that you stopped taking care of me? Is it my fault that you turned your concentration to other things in your life ? Maybe staying silent was my fault. I stood there silently, accepting every sad- bad thing that came my way. Under your uncaring eyes- I grew filthy , discolored and began to reek of unholy odo...

Lunch Hour at the Food Court. As usual, we were busy with the day's chatter. Halfway through a friend got up to get a glass of water. And it was at that exact minute that I recollected that he had asked me to remind him about a meeting. I called out loudly to him: "Aren't you getting LATE" The next thing I know, everyone around stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I did not understand what was happening till all my friends burst out laughing. The way I pronounce the words had made 'LATE' sound 'LAID'.

A phone conference between the IT Teams of two companies undergoing a merger and are expected to share some data. A: We have given the list of all the data that we require. Where do we stand on that? B: We have analyzed all the requirements and we will provide you with 80% of the data. However we are working on locating the remaining 20%. Two Weeks Later – A: Where do you stand on the 20% of the data? Have you been able to locate the data in your system? B: I am sorry. We do not capture this information. So there is no point in us trying to locate this information in our systems. A: Excuse me. Are you telling me that you do not have this data? B: Yes, exactly. We do not have this data with us. A: Well, that is surprising to hear as we have a guy here with us who was an employ...

This conversation happened amongst a group of friends. I have retained just the interesting comments. A: How do u put the following in professional English "A crow dropped its excreta over me”? B: Err... I am in deep shit..!!??!! A: I had to go home and change. I have to explain it to my Manager in an email. I don't want it to sound overtly funny. B: How about "Crow droppings fell on me" ? or maybe "I was standing under a crow when it decided to excrete" A: I am already in deep shit here thanks to my workload. Please don't give me more crap. B: The mail is to your manager after all, send this: "The crow gave me what you usually give me"

One fine day, at office A: What is "and A..??" B: huh..?? A: FYI and A..?? B: For Your Information and Action. A: Are we supposed to act on the email that we just received? B: Yes. A: Are you acting on it? B: Yup. A: How are you acting on it? B: I am acting as though I did not get the mail !!!

My college had this strange habit of sending scorecards home. They insisted that parents of the ward should visit the campus and talk to the professors, if their ward had low scores. This is the memory of one such time when my scorecard was sent home. My mom knew I was into extracurricular stuff going around my college and  that these things never left me with enough time to study. We had an agreement that as long as I scored well in my Finals, she should not ask me about the scorecards of the internals. This arrangement worked for us and saved both of us a lot of headache. It was the third time that my scorecard was sent home, I expected my mom to see my scorecard and throw it away with the garbage as usual. As my luck would have it, my dad got to the letter first and all I know is ...

There is an old Hindi Saying ' Dene Wala Jab Bhi Deta, Deta Chappad Phaad Ke'. It roughly means, 'You cannot have anything in small amounts, It is all or nothing'. The following happened to me on the evening of 13.Nov.2011. Funny and unlucky in equal parts. Imagine this is you - You have had a rough day at work and are late to reach home (late by your watch). You park your vehicle at the apartment parking lot and run towards the door as u are new to the place and not so sure that it is a safe area. You finally reach your door, it is in total darkness which means your room mates aren't home yet. You reach into your purse to take out the key. Oops, it is not there. U remember putting it in another bag the previous day. You recollect, one of your two roommates telling you in the m...