Where is the Data !?!

A phone conference between the IT Teams of two companies undergoing a merger and are expected to share some data.

A: We have given the list of all the data that we require. Where do we stand on that?
B: We have analyzed all the requirements and we will provide you with 80% of the data. However we are working on locating the remaining 20%.

Two Weeks Later –

A: Where do you stand on the 20% of the data? Have you been able to locate the data in your system?
B: I am sorry. We do not capture this information. So there is no point in us trying to locate this information in our systems.
A: Excuse me. Are you telling me that you do not have this data?
B: Yes, exactly. We do not have this data with us.
A: Well, that is surprising to hear as we have a guy here with us who was an employee at your company and he says that he used to look at this data every day!!!

Imagine being at receiving end of that when your Boss and the Legal department is in the same call!

Rearranging the Clouds

The other day, a few colleagues and I were walking from one building to another.

The sun was rather too harsh for my taste.
SamCloudedited
Me:  Oh, how I wish I could rearrange the clouds!

Colleague:  Don’t worry! You will get it soon. A new CLOUD update was announced yesterday.

I found it funny as she said it without missing a beat and with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

 

Between the Manager and the Crow

This conversation happened amongst a group of friends. I have retained just the interesting comments.

A: How do u put the following in professional English “A crow dropped its excreta over me”?
B: Err… I am in deep shit..!!??!!

A: I had to go home and change. I have to explain it to my Manager in an email. I don’t want it to sound overtly funny.
B: How about “Crow droppings fell on me” ? or maybe “I was standing under a crow when it decided to excrete”

A: I am already in deep shit here thanks to my workload. Please don’t give me more crap.
B: The mail is to your manager after all, send this: “The crow gave me what you usually give me”

FYI and A

One fine day, at office

A: What is “and A..??”
B: huh..??

A: FYI and A..??
B: For Your Information and Action.

A: Are we supposed to act on the email that we just received?
B: Yes.

A: Are you acting on it?
B: Yup.

A: How are you acting on it?
B: I am acting as though I did not get the mail !!!

My Daddy Strongest

My college had this strange habit of sending scorecards home. They insisted that parents of the ward should visit the campus and talk to the professors, if their ward had low scores. This is the memory of one such time when my scorecard was sent home.

My mom knew I was into extracurricular stuff going around my college and  that these things never left me with enough time to study. We had an agreement that as long as I scored well in my Finals, she should not ask me about the scorecards of the internals. This arrangement worked for us and saved both of us a lot of headache. It was the third time that my scorecard was sent home, I expected my mom to see my scorecard and throw it away with the garbage as usual.

As my luck would have it, my dad got to the letter first and all I know is what my mom told me “Your dad refuses to listen to me. He is angry and says he will come to the college. It is between you and your dad now. Do not get me into your mess”. I did not get a chance to speak to my dad over the phone before he left for my college. I am not sure many of you would understand, but I respect my dad a lot. When I say a lot, I mean – according to me, disappointing my dad would be the biggest crime that I could ever commit. If I were to cause him pain or make him angry, it would mean I have failed him.

Two days later, Dad reached my campus and called me “where are u.? I am at ur campus”. I went to meet him, dejection clawing away at my heart. My friends wished me all the luck in the world as they had seen the worry eat me up from the past couple of days.

And then I saw my dad and tried to explain “Dad, Please try to listen, I can explain the marks”. He laughed, gave me a hug and said “Today I am proud to call you my daughter. These marks prove to me that you have a taken after your dad a little bit too. Tell me if any of the lecturers mess with you. I can fix them you know?” He said the last sentence with a wink. You can imagine my reaction. I was grinning like a fool the entire day, come to think of it, I still am grinning !

 

My daddy Strongest is a tagline from an old Indian Commercial for Cooking Oil. You can watch it here

World Water Day 2012

Dear Diary.

There is a blogging competition at my office and I desperately want to send in an entry. Well, I have never really felt acute shortage of water anywhere in my life. And whenever there was a slightest bit of problem, there was a solution just around the corner. And I am confused what to write as I have no experience or memory to write from. Think of something..think of something…Let me call up mom, she always helps clear my thoughts… an hour and a few phone calls later..I now know what is happening in my friends life, what events are coming up in my college, what new antics the new pups at my home are up to…etc…But nothing about water…Let me park this for a while, clearly there is no point writing something without a skeleton of the story in mind. “SAM..SWITCH ON THE MOTOR. THERE IS NO WATER IN THE TANK”. That was my roommate screaming at the top of her voice.Water had to run out now when I was thinking about water scarcity..?? Laughing it off, I made my way to the switch and turned it on. Nothing happened. I turned it on and off again(well, what do you expect?). Nothing doing. I came back to my room and that is when the realization struck me.It was a Sunday morning.Which meant the plumber wont be attending our calls anytime till the next day.

Ok..So what next? I will have to run to my office which was 6kms from my place for using the washroom. Stupid old me, I had the bright idea of soaking my clothes just two hours ago and it was a week’s worth of laundry. *wow.Can it get any better..? The utensils used for breakfast lie in the sink waiting to be washed. *Great.This keeps getting better and better..?? “OH GOD.NOOOO”I ran to where the sound was coming from. My roommate had accidently spilled curry on the floor. *Fantastic..How to clean it without water? I was looking for an article to write, looks like I will have to experience everything before writing anything down.Laughing at the irony of it all, I made my way to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. I held the glass at the tap of the water purifier – only to realize that none of us had filled the water in the purifier in the morning.I watched with trepidation as the last drop of water trickled out of it into my tumbler. Thats it for now-I need to go in search of water. Will keep you updated my dearest diary.

-Me

Locked out Luck

There is an old Hindi Saying ‘ Dene Wala Jab Bhi Deta, Deta Chappad Phaad Ke’. It roughly means, ‘You cannot have anything in small amounts, It is all or nothing’. The following happened to me on the evening of 13.Nov.2011. Funny and unlucky in equal parts. Imagine this is you –

  1. You have had a rough day at work and are late to reach home (late by your watch).
  2. You park your vehicle at the apartment parking lot and run towards the door as u are new to the place and not so sure that it is a safe area.
  3. You finally reach your door, it is in total darkness which means your room mates aren’t home yet.
  4. You reach into your purse to take out the key. Oops, it is not there. U remember putting it in another bag the previous day.
  5. You recollect, one of your two roommates telling you in the morning that she may not be home till very late that night.
  6. You think of calling up the other roommate hoping that she is around. You have severe issues asking for help. It takes you around 15 minutes to get around to calling her.
  7. You are lucky, she is in the neighborhood. She is cranky but comes by, lets you in and goes back.
  8. You open the door cursing yourself for your stupidity, when you see the other room-mate who was supposed to be late, sitting in the darkness,speaking away on the phone.
  9. She looks at you, says – “hey, I saw you outside the window 30min ago.  I did not call out to you as you seemed preoccupied. What took you so long to get inside the apartment?”

Sibling Squabble

Anyone with siblings would know that squabbles and arguments as kids is inevitable. And once you start enjoying those silly fights, it is going to be really irritating for the parents.  Luckily for my parents, we sisters never hit each other but our voices could get pretty loud.

My mom could never understand how we could argue so much about every topic on this planet in general. My sister and I could never understand how she grew up with two siblings without arguing a single day. We pretty much argued about everything.

Out of all such incidents, I remember one clearly. It was a Saturday afternoon, and we were screaming at each other at top of our voices. My mom was so angry with the two of us that she exclaimed “you girls are worse than cats and dogs”. At that moment, our topic of discussion changed and without even realizing it, we started arguing about which one of us is a DOG and which one is a CAT. It took us a couple of minutes to realize how silly it was. We finally turned around to see mom laughing herself to death, thanks to us. Well we had to save our face, we just said “U wouldn’t understand” and walked out of the room together.

Messages for Love\Love for Messages

Girl  : You never send me messages.
Guy : Why would I send messages when I can talk to you?
Girl  : But messages are so nice. I can read them anytime I want.
Guy : Well.. You can call me whenever you want.
Girl : You just do not understand. When you cannot even do such simple things for me, how can you profess that you love me ?
Guy : Whaaat? How did you reach that conclusion. Most of the times, I am either with you or talking to you. You want me to message you as well ?

Girl  : *waterworks begin* . I knew you do not love me. Its only I who love you. How stupid of me.
Guy : What is wrong with you girls ? Do you even have a logic anywhere in your assumptions ?
Girl : No.. They say that True Love always finds a way. If you had loved me you would have found a way to message. You would have at least used a scheduler.
Guy : A scheduler ? You want messages from a scheduler ? Listen to yourself ..!!!

Girl : It doesn’t matter how or what. I want messages when I see my cell phone and they should be from you. It makes me feel so happy.
Guy : Alright. Don’t you dare complain later…Girls these days…And JAI_1611edited_Sam_61Messagesfor a minute there, I really thought you would be different from the others… Let me see what I can do..

Girl : really ? You will send me messages. You are such a wonderful person. *etc etc..
Guy : *etc etc

PS: Yesterday afternoon I was in a meeting for an hour. Post the meeting- I had 60 messages. The same message scheduled to be sent every 1 minutes..!!! What can I say , I asked for it !!